Had a good day today. I ate way too many carbs again, though. So I guess that makes it not a good day. I was happy, though. Brenda and I were trekking around the city looking for a site to host a training.
The day started out with a BG of 124. Again, the insulin is doing its work, or so it seems. The numbers before the insulin were hanging in the 200s straight out of bed and in the 400s a few hours after dinner. With the insulin the numbers in the morning are changing into the 100s. The doctor said the goal is supposed to be between 70 and 120. I haven’t hit that range, yet, but just being in the 100s is encouraging.
Brenda wanted to go to mass, and I wanted to get a breakfast sandwich at the local bagel shop. They’ve been open for less than a year now. I thought I had tasted every possibility for a breakfast sandwich there was, and then I tasted theirs. What they build with a bagel and an egg redefined it for me. I realize that sounds melodramatic, but I’m telling you, I’m ruined for other options now. We didn’t have time to do both, so we did the only thing a married couple should do when they are split on a decision. I dropped her off at mass and headed off to get my sandwich.
Yes, I know. The word sandwich implies bread of some sort. And, I know, I mentioned the word bagel as if it were a piece of drool already forming at the corner of my mouth. Both of those words mean carbs, and carbs are bad for a diabetic. I will take this moment to remind you that I said this was not a good day for carb intake. I am not proud of this. Merely stating the reality of it.
In addition to the carb overload at breakfast, it’s Lent. I’m a sucker for a good fish sandwich. I’m also hard-pressed to overlook trying a fish sandwich from a restaurant I’ve heard is good. I saved eating the bread by ordering the entree, but lunch was a good piece of fried fish from a brewery downtown. I’m not a drinker, so water was used to wash it down. I know so far this sounds like I’m just trying to justify my decisions somehow or rat myself out for making bad choices. But I share this because of something that I’ve been thinking about today.
As I sat at breakfast eating my sandwich, I thought about how hard it is to make some of the choices that need made. My body has these desires for certain tastes. What makes that happen? Is it conditioning? Is it psychological? I’ve always been an emotional eater — for every emotion except for anger, that is. Anger can fuel me into a determination of will that cannot be broken. I’ve lost 100 pounds over the course of the past four years. It all started with an issue that created a lot of anger in me. I never intended to lose weight. Losing weight was a by-product of the discipline that occurred because of the anger I was experiencing. I guess we all have our motivators. But I don’t like what I have to feel when that kind of anger takes over my soul. It’s a pretty dark place.
Once the weight started coming off, it seemed like it never stopped. To this day, it feels like it’s still happening. I thought it was because of the changes I made in my eating habits. Others thought the same thing. I imagine that was some of it. But now I’m pretty sure some of it was due to the diabetes. Losing weight is one of the signs. According to the American Diabetes Association some of the common symptoms of diabetes are:
- Urinating often
- Feeling very thirsty
- Feeling very hungry - even though you are eating
- Extreme fatigue
- Blurry vision
- Cuts/bruises that are slow to heal
- Weight loss - even though you are eating more (type 1)
- Tingling, pain, or numbness in the hands/feet (type 2)
I never had the blurry vision, but now that the numbness has kicked in, I think the ADA should put me on a billboard.
The choice to get on the right track is hard. Finding a motivating force is a requirement for me. If I don’t find one, I’ll flounder. I don’t like what happens in my soul when I use anger. I need something else. The physical ailments are certainly leverage to use when I make my choices. If they offered more immediate results it would be easier. I think the only way to do this is to apply the concept of long-term consequences to short-term choices. This is a rational decision, not an emotional one.